That's NOT Love!

I was driving and a song came on the radio, something about a guy crooning about how he would Catch a grenade for love but the girl wouldn't do anything like that for him. Here's the video if you haven't heard the song.



Now I don't know about most women, but I know that isn't my definiton of love. Yeah grand gestures are great and all but they don't cut it in the end. A grand gesture isn't going to make a relationship work in the long run. They look great in the movies right before they cut to the credits but what happens after the couple kiss? After you "jump in front of a train" who's there to change the children's diapers? Wake up with the kids in the middle of the night? Be there day in day out working 9-5 to make sure the bills are paid and there is food on the table? That to me is REAL LOVE. That's is my defintion of a the real deal. Stay by my side for 10 plus years and put up with my mood swings and that'll show a lot more courage than "catching a grenade for me".

So thank you to my dear husband for sticking with me and putting up with my mood swings for the last 10 yrs or so. And for continually making everyday small gestures like the cups of coffee that you bring to me while I take a shower (with a lid so it won't get wet) And getting up with the kids in the morning because you know I'm not a morning person. That means more to me than anything. I love you.

Pulling My Hair Out!

Dear Herbal Essences,

I'm very disappointed in your latest business practice. I've been buying your Hello Hydration shampoo and conditioner for about 3 yrs now and have RAVED about it! I've told my friends and extolled the virtues of your product. I've also stocked every bathroom in my house with your product. But no more. Now I have to find a new shampoo and conditioner :( When you switched to the new labels I got a little concerned. But I bought 2 bottles and found that the product hadn't changed. Well apparently you were only finishing off the last of the old stuff because when I cracked open this new bottles of both shampoo and conditioner today was I disappointed!

The once familiar smell of coconuts was replaced with that of crayons! Then when I looked at the bubbles that the shampoo made instead of being a rich lather of white lather... the bubbles had an eerie blue tint. Almost like you had to add an extra dye to the product that stayed after it lathered up. But I used it and it did it's job. I wasn't thrilled but I could live with it. No so much with the smell, because I have small boys and the shower is the only time I get away from the smell of crayons but I could cope if the product still worked.

Until I used the conditioner. I have very thin hair that knots and tangles very easily. I have tried a lot of products that have left me unhappy that either don't work, or that cost an arm and a leg. So I have happily bought your Hello Hydration conditioner for at least 3 yrs because I've not only enjoyed the scent, but it's actually WORKED! Now it doesn't do either! The coconut and orchid that is claimed to be on the front of the bottle is no where in the scent... and I spent about 10 minutes trying to get the tangles out of my hair.

So I guess my question to you is... was it really worth it to lose your loyal fan base? Do you have any plans to change your formula back? Because of your actions I will forced to find be find a new shampoo and conditioner.

Your Once Very Loyal Customer,
Kim Holbert

Talk To Me Doc!

Have you ever walked out of your Doc's office more confused than when you walked in? Happens to me all the time. I've been to hundreds of doctors, all shapes, genders, ages, race, and it always happens. They give you an exam, diagnose your condition using technical terms, write a prescription; then walk you to the front desk for a follow up appointment. HUH? What just happened? Do you remember the name of the condition? Sure it's easy if it's something you've heard of before... high blood pressure, overweight, high cholesterol, migraines, rosacea but what about if its a new one. One that's not got a snazzy new ad on TV? I had that happen to me the other day. It's as if they don't realize that I don't have a medical degree.

I don't have the time or interest to go to 8 yrs of medical school . I really appreciate that they have, don't get me wrong! But when I get diagnosed with something I want to know what it is! I go home (if I can remember the name) and look it up on the internet. I've been in the exam rooms, I know what doctors think of patients who look up info on the internet... I've been there when they mutter comments about "self diagnosing" and "think they can do a better job!" or even the sad head shake and the gentle reminders that you "shouldn't believe everything you read" But what other option do I have? When was the last time your doctor sat down and talked with you about your conditions and potential repercussions? Yeah you know if you don't lose weight you're at risk for a heart attack... But what happens if you skip one of your blood pressure meds? No one has ever explained that to me. I've learned by reading on the internet or by cause and effect. They know... but they don't have time to talk.

Now on the other side of the coin I KNOW they're over worked, underpaid and under appreciated. I'm not trying to start that discussion! I'm just saying that if you want me know what's the right thing to do... have your secretary/assistant send me a hyperlink with good quality info on my condition... or tell me. And if you don't, you can't complain when I look it up by myself. Give me a printout with the do's and don'ts of what I should be doing. WRITE down the NAME of the rash that I have on my arm so I can look it up for myself if it's just cosmetic or not... don't just write me 4 prescriptions and tell me I don't really need them. But here they are anyway, what do I do with those?

I've had some exceptional doctors. In this last year, I've gotten my migraines under control, which is something that hasn't happened in the last 10 yrs. So this is not a criticism of my primary care doctor or any one doctor. But please, help me to help myself!

Glory Days! What Glory Days?

So I was listening to the radio and that old Bruce Springsteen song popped up Glory Days you know the song about how middle aged people just sit around and talk about the younger days and it hits me... I'm in that age range that he's singing about. And it proves it just by the fact that I sat there and listened to the whole song instead of forwarding it on to the next one (that and I was too lazy to switch over from the computer game I was playing) So as I'm singing along with Bruce... and my husband is in the next room chuckling and shaking his head... I'm defending my right to sing. And I realize there's really nothing about that song that reaches me. I have no desire to revisit my old life. I wouldn't do it all over again if you PAID me and you would have to offer me a lot of money for me to even consider it.

When I left high school I was sad. Most of my close friends graduated a year or two before me. So when I left there was not love lost. Definitely not for that striped sesame street inspired carpet that identified the various units. I'm not sure anyone from my graduating class would even remember me if I went to a high school reunion. I've spent most of my life trying to blend in instead of standing out, so that I would be considered normal. (which wasn't easy then and certainly didn't get any easier with age) And the school years before high school I can't even name all of the schools without looking at the transcripts. I have a number of people that stood out in my mind from my time spent with them... But as I found out recently they don't always remember the past the same way I did. One girl swears that I stole $20 from her right before I moved out of state. I didn't remember that but I mailed her the money so we would be square... But that just reinforced the idea that people's memories change as they move away from the friends and time.

I've also done STUPID things that would never want to remember or relive over a couple of drinks. Why would I want to put a rosy glow on some of my dumbest stunts in my life? Back when I thought I was invincible and infallible, it's a credit to my sheer dumb luck that I've made it to the age that I have with out being found dead in a ditch somewhere or just bludgeoned to death by someone for my overwhelming stupidity and arrogance. And sometimes I'll hear a teen making the same type of certain proclamations that I did in my day and it's all I can do to bite my tongue and tell them just how WRONG they are. But you can't every generation has to make the same mistakes themselves before they learn. Every person thinks they're bullet-proof until they find out that they aren't.

And I'm sure that when I'm even older and I look back on this stage in my life... I'll realize that the things that I thought I knew now weren't as true as I KNEW them to be and I'll shake my head over it and move on with my life. But today I'm happy in my delusions of today, and that I don't dwell over the past too much. Certainly not enough to want to relive it.

The Itching Never Ceases

It all started last Saturday. It was my husbands fault. He doesn't know where he got it from either one of two places. Either it was from hauling rocks out of an abandoned tombstone graveyard or it was from leaning up against a tree at a picnic. Either way I did neither of those things and I still have it... so it's his fault!

It started because his ring finger itched a couple of little red bumps and so he decided to take his ring off (not his wedding band but his cross ring on his right hand) then it spread, thousands of little red dots all up his arm. At that point we upgraded the status from heat rash to the dreaded poison ivy. To which I am highly allergic and since I also have an allergy to Calamine lotion any sort of breakout usually ends up with me getting shots at the Doctor's office. But since I didn't lean up against the tree that I saw had poison ivy and I WAS NOT in the same city as the tombstones I thought I was fairly safe.

I was WRONG. It started as one little tiny bump on the inside of my bicep. Right about the place that a short sleeve shirt rubs against the inside of your arm. And I knew I wouldn't get sympathy from my hubby for a single little dot of what I thought was a bug bite when he had a HUGE rash of poison ivy on his arm. So I tried not to itch and kept silent. Now a week later I can't explain it. I have one or two little dots of hyper-itchy spots on more than a dozen locations on my body. Not a huge red rash but super annoying none the less. Especially since all of them seem to be located in high traffic areas that seem to be rubbed up against things all the time. And every time I do... they itch all the more. I am quietly going insane. And I really have no right to complain Matt has a higher percentage of rash spots on him and he swears they don't itch.... But I'm trying not to scratch in an effort to keep from rubbing my skin off here and nothing seems to help for longer than 2 1/2 min. I feel stupid for even complaining. I'm just waiting (not so patiently) for my itchy time to be up so that I can get back to normal.

So if you ever see me avoid poison ivy like, well you know the plague... it's with good reason.

Lowe's Customer Service Letter

Dear Lowe’s,

Just thought I’d drop you a line to let you know some things about your store. Yesterday I went shopping in your Morgantown WV Lowe’s on Tuesday 6-22-10 around 2-3 pm and really I have to say I’m exceptionally disappointed in the level of your customer service in the last couple of years. When my mom worked for your company in 1999 in another state, she was always told that you never ever tell the customer NO, that you always try to find a solution to their problem even if you have to special order it.

So with that in my mind I went to your Morgantown Lowe’s and looked for a solution to my problem… My sliding glass door in my house needs a security bar to help keep my children from wandering out onto my deck and into my pool. So I’m exceptionally motivated to find a working solution. My door is on one side 27” wide with the door shut. I went to the hardware section of the store where 3-4 employees were grouped and asked one to help me. At which point I was walked over to the children’s safety section (with outlet covers and kiddie gates) and after a cursory glance was told “nope we don’t have anything like that, sorry” and he walked away!

After picking my jaw up off the floor and spending the next 5 min fuming about piss poor customer service I walked LITTERALY 2 feet down and across the aisle was the bars that the kid had just said wasn’t available. HUH? So it wasn’t for a 27” door they started at 28” but he didn’t EVEN OFFER them to me.

So we continued to the rest of our shopping list and headed into plumbing for something to help my toilet to stop wobbling. We wander around plumbing for quite a few minutes and not one offer of help. Eventually I go stand by the desk in plumbing and the guy is talking to a sales rep from a company. OK so I go and wait, and wait and wait. Finally the employee walks away leaving both the sales rep and I standing there! After the sales rep leaves I stand there a couple of more min thinking he’s going to be coming back… NOPE his phone at the desk starts ringing and ringing and ringing… and after listening to that for about 4 min I leave that department. Unhappy and unlucky again!

Now I head to your garden department. I wander around while my husband and my 2 yr old go potty and spot some spa chemicals. At this point I’m looking for a 1” chemical floater for my hot tub. I was offered help from a very nice lady and found what I needed and more within seconds. She walks away to help more customers. YEA

When my husband returns we remember that we need a new safety gate for the top of my deck stairs. Buoyed by the decent customer service that we’ve received in lawn and garden I wander over to a lady watering plants. Without even removing her sunglasses I was informed that they “probably don’t have anything like that, but if they did it would be in aisle 4.” So I wander over to aisle 4 at which point my ever-observant 5yr old states “but mom!! We were just HERE!” And we were, this was the same aisle that I received your stellar companies advice on my sliding glass door. There were no hard mounted gates and none rated for safe outdoor use.

At the checkout I realize how far the mighty Lowe’s has fallen since my mom worked for the company. I wasn’t even asked if I found every thing ok. The employees (and management) were up front talking about another customer who had a complaint and mentioned IN FRONT OF OTHER CUSTOMERS (namely my family and about 3-4 other customers) “well he stared at your badge for a long time, and he must not have been too unhappy” Which tells me that this is not an uncommon occurrence.

So I have to say as a fair warning… I’m going to send you this letter. I’m also going to be posting it on my blog and my facebook page. I’m exceptionally disappointed in your apathy toward your customers nowadays. I might go in there to get what I need, but only if I can’t get it somewhere else first.

Toddler Shock

I have determined that there is a condition among parents that has been previously undiagnosed among the medical community. Since I'm not a doctor and have not a lick of medical training I'm going to call it PTTSD or Post Traumatic Toddler Stress Disorder, or in layman's terms Toddler Shock. Like Shell Shock or as it's later referred to PTSD it's when a parent (or in some cases the caregiver) lives in a war like conditions with a toddler. Only your war zone is now the battle of wills and the opponent, less than 3 foot tall.

Some of the symptoms:

• A nervous twitch when you see handprint waist high on the wall.
• An intense adversion to high pitched whining noises.
• A lack of sleep.
• Headaches, usually caused by stress or tension.

Case Study:
Today Subject 2 (Evan) requested an apple. After getting the normal "magic words" out of him. I decided to pick the apple off of the kitchen counter top (like I have done 1,000 times before) and hand it to him. At which point he descended into a mood swing that has not been equaled by anyone who is not a hormonal teenager. After the screaming and the foot stomping ended he declared that he wanted to "get it myself!" So I placed that apple on the edge of the counter top where he would have to stretch up and reach it. WRONG CHOICE as I was soon informed in the millisecond that he took to decide that this compromise was unacceptable to him. More screaming and crying continued along with the addition of the foot stomp. At this point I was about to put the apple back in the bowl out of the reach of the toddler and leave it there, when he screamed "I do it MYSELF!" and then proceeded to stomp into the dining room, pull a chair into the kitchen, climb the chair and fetch the apple out of the bowl. And thus swinging the moody temper tantrum pendulum back to a more normal orbit by taking the apple and eating it. Only half of it mind you the rest was left on the floor for Mommy to find.

Lemons into Cake Pops

We've always been told "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade!" right? Well I had such a lemonade moment yesterday. Evan (my 2 yr old) in his infinite wisdom decided to take all of the hard work that I had done yesterday making a book cake for Ian's school get together and sprinkle salt all over it. And when I say sprinkle I really mean that he took the entire 1lb container of salt and "made tracks" for his trains to run through. The only problem with that is that my cooling uniced cake was in the path for his tracks.

When I saw that I flipped out. That child was about 30 seconds away from being shipped off to military school. (except that they wouldnt' take him, he's too young) But then I remembered one of my mom friends made cake pops for her childs birthday. At the time I said that I'd have to try to make those. Now was the perfect time to try that. Since the first step is bake a cake and then crumble it up. So after I hacked off the salty bits and the rest of the cake was already in mostly crumbles... I proceeded to look up the rest of the instructions. It's better than throwing out an entire cake, right? Not everything came together smoothly. But it did come together. And my son loves the ones off of the stick just as much as on the stick.

Peter Is A Sidekick

During prayers this evening... I made the sign of the cross on Ian's forehead and told him that God bless every one who loves Ian. Including Ian and the Father, Son and Holy Ghost... which of course flipped him out. gg.. GG.. GHOST!! So I explained that the trinity is the all the same person. And that the holy ghost isn't the same as a real ghost (I know the irony HUH?) But it's just to help us remember that Jesus is always here with us.

So what about Peter? Ian asks me.... HUH? Where did you come up with that name? So I explain that Peter was an apostle he wasn't Jesus... he was more like a sidekick of Jesus. OHHH Like Captain Huggyface (from WordGirl) Uhm yea Ian Peter is kind of like Captain Huggyface, he's a sidekick of Jesus just like Captain Huggyface is a sidekick of WordGirl....

And thus ends the lesson of how the bible can be stripped down to the level a child can understand.